SOLITAIRE



I sit playing solitaire by the window,
Just waiting, seasons change.
Aha, you’ll see,
One day these dreams will pull you through my door.

I spend quite a lot of time playing solitaire on my phone. I don’t enjoy it. It isn’t fun. It isn’t interesting. It isn’t exciting.

It is just itself.

I normally play it if I’m on a train or waiting for a bus or something like that. It is a wholly unsatisfying way of passing the time. It is nothing more than that. It is like entering into a state of suspended animation until some other activity presents itself.

It is a game which never ends. Whether you win or you lose, you play again. It is a game which expands itself exactly to fill the time available. You will never reach a point where you say “Well, having won this game, I don’t need to play it again”.

No moves left.
Sorry…
Do you want to start new game?

The answer to this question is always yes.

Sometimes, as the computer deals out a fresh set of cards, the “No moves left” message flashes up immediately, or after I’ve only moved one or two cards. These are my favourite moments of the game. When I have been robbed of the opportunity to make any decision at all, where I immediately lose regardless of what I do. These moments highlight the pointlessness of the game. It is the game’s own way of laughing at the player. “You cannot beat me” the game says, “I am eternal”.

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MILTON KEYNES

Concerned about Sabha Subedar’s safety, on Tuesday, I took the day off work and went to Milton Keynes.

As 12:24 London Midland train pulled out of Euston station, it occurred to me that I had forgotten to find out the address of the Argos head office. Not only that, but I suddenly began to wonder if it was actually in Milton Keynes at all. Was I going to the right place? It seemed pointless to worry about it now, the train was already moving, and so I settled down and ate the Chicken & Bacon sandwich I had bought from M&S Simply Food.

Eventually, the train arrived at Milton Keynes.

I wasn’t really sure where to go. Fortunately, there was a nearby information sign.

I was impressed by how neatly organised Milton Keynes was. All of the civic buildings were in one corner:

And all of the cultural and recreational buildings were in another corner:

I studied the map.

Avebury. That sounded familiar. Near the Central Business Exchange. I wandered off in what I hoped was the right direction.

Eventually, I found the road:

All of the main roads seemed to be described as “boulevards”. I quite liked that attempt at capturing Parisian sophistication. I am not sure if it was entirely successful though. Avebury Boulevard sort of looks like how I’d imagine Paris shortly after a nuclear holocaust.

And then I saw it. The Home Retail Group building.

The building had featured in Superman IV and I was pleased to see it hadn’t lost any of its Hollywood glamour.

I wasn’t sure what to do next. I went inside.

I walked up to the man at reception.

I asked if Sabha Subedar still worked there. He typed her name into the computer. “There is a Sabha listed here”, he said. “Hold on a second, I’ll see if she used her pass today”. I was incredibly nervous. “Hmmm, she hasn’t been in for a while. I’ll try her number.” He dialled. “Do you have a Sabha in your team there?” he spoke into the phone. “There’s a Nicky Wilson there now” he told me, “Sabha might have been a temp, it normally takes a while to update the phone directory. Do you want to speak to Nicky?” Nicky Wilson. This name was new to me, although I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she sends me an email thanking me for my application but regretfully informing me that on this occasion I was unsuccessful but that it doesn’t mean that my skills and abilities would not be suitable for other roles within the Home Retail Group and that I should continue to check the website for new vacancies.

I walked back to the station. “Might have been a temp”. I don’t buy that for one second.

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OPEN FOR YOU

Yesterday, I noticed that the Copenhagen tourist board had launched a new campaign aimed at attracting UK visitors to the city:

Copenhagen – open for you.

The main idea behind the campaign seems to be the fact that the word “Copenhagen” contains the word “open” (it’s between the “C” and the “h”).

A few years ago, Visit London had a similar campaign:

Totally London

Here, the campaign tried to make people aware of the fact that the word “London” contains the word “on” (it’s just at the end there).

It seems if a place has another word embedded in its name, that’s really good and people will want to visit that place. They can boast to their friends “I went to Copenhagen last week. The word ‘Copenhagen’ contains the word ‘open’!”

Always happy to help other people, I decided to develop some ideas of my own. Anyone reading this who happens to work in the relevant tourist boards (“tourISt”) is welcome to use them (please email to negotiate a fee).

The first few were quite simple, and followed on from the Totally London theme:

The next batch move away from the “on” theme, and centre around words like “is” and “in”:

This one cleverly combines both an “it” and an “in”:

Here, the majority of the word has been highlighted:

With these ones, I’ve taken a bit of liberty with the spelling, but I think it’s justified:

The principle could also be applied to countries which perhaps aren’t quite so attractive to tourists:

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FRANCIS GIACOBETTI

I saw this print in the window of a charity shop in Worcester Park about eight years ago. It was a Sunday and the shop was closed. I was either walking to or from my aunt’s house. I asked Mumward if she could buy it for me the next day when the shop opened as I had work the next day and wouldn’t be around. I was quite nervous, convinced someone else would swoop in and nab it first. Fortunately, that didn’t happen, and so for the last few years, it has been hanging on the wall of my old bedroom (I’ve never quite found space for it in my own flat).

At first glance, the scene looks quite straightforward. The guy posing next to his car as he chats up a waitress. But there a number of elements which don’t really make sense.

It doesn’t really look like there’s anything in those cups for one thing. And the angle she’s holding the tray looks a little precarious. Those cups are liable to slide off at any minute, spilling their contents (if they contain anything that is) everywhere. Of course, she isn’t really a waitress; she’s a model. She isn’t really taking those drinks to a customer, they are just props. So perhaps it’s not surprising they’ve used empty cups.

Similarly, the cigarette the guy has between his lips doesn’t seem to be lit.

That’s a very interesting outfit he’s wearing. It seems to be a sort of velour tracksuit with a giant picture of Bing Crosby’s face printed on the front. I’ve never seen a tracksuit like that in Topman, but if I did see one, I would definitely buy it. It’s incredible.

I can understand why she’s wearing roller skates. She’s a carhop:

Usually the car hops worked on foot but sometimes used rollerskates. The popularity of movies such as American Graffiti and shows like Happy Days created a misconception of carhops as exclusively roller skaters.

Carhops originated in the late 1930s when drive-in eateries were devised to draw in a more mobile society. It started as pull up service to drug stores and eating establishments and was found to be a very effective way to draw customers. The name “carhop” came from the practice of the waitress or waiter jumping up on the running board of a patron rolling into the parking lot. This car hopping showed that this particular car was that servers car, as tips were the main income of these waiters and waitresses. Women replaced male carhops as restaurants discovered that a pretty face sold more food.

But, presumably, that’s his car. Why is he wearing roller skates?

According to his website, Francis Giacobetti is:

an aesthete with a compassionate regard for others. With his restless curiosity he has found strong visual metaphors for the physical and metaphysical mysteries that ultimately define all human existence.

He also directed Emmanuelle 2.

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