On Saturday 2nd April, I will turn 30.
I’m not sure how to mark this event. For various reasons (not just the psychic trauma of turning thirty) I’m not even sure if I want to celebrate it at all.
I should probably have a party of some sort. That is “the done thing”, after all. To be honest though, if were forced to have a party, there’s only one person I’d want to invite. Jedward:
Hi, @planetjedward, you always seem to be having so much fun. Can you be my friends? We could go to the park maybe.—
James Ward (@iamjamesward) March 21, 2011
@planetjedward It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. If we became friends, you could come to my party and have some cake.—
James Ward (@iamjamesward) March 21, 2011
We could hire a bouncy castle. What do you say, @planetjedward? Also, there'll be pizza.—
James Ward (@iamjamesward) March 21, 2011
Sadly [correct at time of writing] Jedward have not replied. Ever optimistic though, I contacted another close celebrity friend:
Hi, @MrMichaelWinner, having a birthday party soon. Jedward are coming (hopefully). I'm going to get a bouncy castle. Do you want to come?—
James Ward (@iamjamesward) March 21, 2011
However, Michael has been a bit unwell recently, and so felt the idea of a bouncy castle was a bit too much:
@iamjamesward i dont think i could take a bouncy castle thank you. i'll stay on solid ground—
Michael Winner (@MrMichaelWinner) March 21, 2011
I tried to explain that the bouncy castle was not compulsory:
@MrMichaelWinner OK, you don't have to actually go on the bouncy castle, you could just watch. There'll be cake and ice cream and jelly.—
James Ward (@iamjamesward) March 21, 2011
However, Michael replied:
@iamjamesward love jelly parties frighten me im a recluse—
Michael Winner (@MrMichaelWinner) March 21, 2011
I assume by “love jelly parties frighten me im a recluse”, what Michael meant was that although he loves jelly, as a recluse, he finds parties somewhat intimidating. I hope this is what he meant. Otherwise he seems to be saying that he is afraid of “love jelly parties”. I have no idea what a “love jelly party” is, but I would say that the idea of Michael Winner attending such a function fills me with fear. Or maybe it’s not fear. Perhaps it’s a different feeling, I just know that it makes me feel all funny.
As I face the fact that neither Michael Winner nor Jedward will be celebrating my birthday with me, I wonder if I should bother celebrating my birthday at all, and it is this ambivalence of feeling which leads me to the only option which makes sense. I will organise a party for my birthday, just without the guarantee that I will turn up. I will book a space somewhere – a room in a pub – and invite anyone who wants to come, but whether or not I attend will be decided by the toss of a coin.
In many ways, this is ideal. I don’t know if I want to celebrate my thirtieth birthday, and so I can simply avoid making the decision by submitting to the will of a coin toss. I don’t know if anyone would want to come to celebrate my birthday with me anyway, so you are at least given a 50/50 chance of a night out without having to speak to me.
If the coin toss goes against me, I’ll just sit in a pub round the corner on my own, or maybe I’ll just go home. Have an early night.
I like this idea. It gives me the option of everything and nothing. Of sociability and anti-sociability. My birthday becomes a game.
Heads or tails?
Edit: I’ve decided to hold this at the Sloe Bar in Waterloo Station. You can go there at whatever time you like on Saturday evening. I’ll sit in a different pub nearby, which shall remain secret. At about 8pm, I’ll toss a coin which will determine whether or not I turn up. If it’s heads, I’ll go to the Sloe Bar and meet you all, assuming anyone turns up. If it’s tails, I’ll stay where I am and sit on my own in the other pub until closing time. I’ll take a book with me or something. Consider this an invite.
