Some time last year, I bought about fifteen copies of Which? magazine from 1986 – 1987 from eBay. I don’t really know why I ended up on eBay looking for old copies of Which? magazine, and I find it’s best not to question these things. I’m sure there was a reasonable explanation. Anyway, it’s nice to be able to see a selection of corkscrews from 1987, isn’t it?
Despite not really doing anything with them, I recently decided to buy some more copies of Which? magazine and, during a quiet Sunday afternoon, ended up buying just over a hundred copies from the early sixties. I spent about four hours yesterday scanning all the covers and uploading them to Flickr. Don’t they look beautiful?
The cover designs are brilliant. Bold black and white images on single colour backgrounds and simple typography.
I’d quite like to frame some of them, but it seems like an act of vandalism. Maybe I’ll get some prints done and frame them. I don’t think my inkjet printer would do them justice.
Having the whole of the bottom half of my leg in plaster might seem like a slight over-reaction to a fractured toe, but I didn’t choose this. Kingston Hospital chose this for me.
Once upon a time, I bought a pair of boots from Schuh. In fact, I wore them yesterday, or at least I wore what remains of them.
They were nice boots, but they caused me pain. They were the last pair in that size in the shop when I bought them, and the right (I want to say “right-hand” here, but obviously that is stupid) one had been the “display” model. Consequently, that shoe had been stretched and softened by the feet of countless people on my behalf (teamwork). The other shoe (the left one) had been hidden away in a box in their stockroom, lonely and resentful.
Despite the fact that I had offered this shoe freedom – a chance at a new life, away from all the other shoes, no longer trapped in a box stuffed with tissue paper – I could tell that it didn’t trust me. It crushed my foot for months. Some days I’d take painkillers to help me get through it. The worst was when I wore the boot on a plane going to Berlin. The cabin pressure caused my foot to swell slightly, and the boot refused to help in any way whatsoever. I had to take the boot off in the end, fearful that my foot might actually burst otherwise. This was a mistake. After that moment, the shoe knew it was in charge; the shoe was dominant.
For weeks, months even, I pleaded with the shoe for peace. Eventually, the shoe came to an agreement with the bones in my foot and some sort of treaty was signed. If I am honest, I would say that the bones in my foot gave way too quickly, and they should have stood their ground for longer. However, I am not sure that sort of language is helpful in the long-term and we should be grateful that some kind of peaceful settlement was reached. It was in this uncertain peace that I lived for almost a year. These were happy times. The conflict over, we walked the streets of London together. Me and my boots. Nothing could separate us. Well, maybe only some socks.
Of course, it couldn’t last. Nothing lasts forever. A small crack formed in the sole of the shoe and as it grew, the boots became increasingly unsuitable for wet weather. My own physicality didn’t help either; weak ankles meaning that the inner side of each heel would wear away within a few months and as I wore the wonkified pair of shoes for longer, the problem surely only got worse.
Out of desperation, it has been this pair of shoes which I have been wearing for the last few days.
A couple of weeks ago, I wore these boots for a whole day, from about ten in the morning until ten in the evening. The shoes had felt a bit tight, but they hadn’t caused me any problems until late that evening, when suddenly, my foot started hurting. It appears that the pressure of the shoe somehow managed to fracture my toe. I fractured my toe by wearing a pair of shoes.
I had an X-ray today. I’ve never had one before. I was able to see inside my own foot. As I had the X-ray, I was hoping they’d print the image out and then stick it on one of those lightbox things and then circle the affected area with a marker. You know, like on TV. Unfortunately, it’s all done digitally these days, and instead the doctor pointed at the fracture on his monitor. I was also hoping they’d give me a copy of the X-ray, so I could scan it and include it in this blogpost. But they didn’t. Instead, I’ve been reduced to Googling “foot x-ray” and looking for an appropriate image. I found this:
If you imagine this was my foot a couple of weeks ago:
Then this is what my foot looks like now:
I can’t work out if this injury means I am a fragile little flower whose bones are so delicate that simply wearing shoes is too much of a strain for them, or if the fact that I’ve been walking around for two weeks with a fractured toe means I’m hard as nails and you better not mess with me or else I’ll fuck you up. I think it’s probably the first one to be honest.
As the title suggests, this post is the third part of a series of posts about obscure pop group Hussey. You might want to read part one and part two first, otherwise the following may not make much sense.
Meet ‘HUSSEY’ the Academy in Kent’s home-grown talented bubble-gum pop group tipped to take over where the Spice Girls left off by the UK music industry.
Following the audition recently held in Maidstone Television Studios the Triple A Multimedia Group are preparing to release the group’s debut single ‘The Hussey Hustle’ on the Academy’s own record label, Triple A Records Ltd.
Music entrepreneur, Terry Armstrong, and a panel of media experts selected the artists from over seven hundred applicants virtually all from Kent. The successful group members are: Sam Cowan (17) Lucy Jones (17) Kate Smerald (17) Ajay Donaldson (19) Helen Cook (18) and Emma Dawson (17).
What? Wait. Who are these people? That’s not the Hussey line-up I’m familiar with.
Creating a major new band such as Hussey involves many months of hard work and planning. Way back in January 2002, Terry Armstrong, CEO of TRIPLE-A MULTIMEDIA GROUP and band manager, first came up with the Hussey concept. What he was looking for was a fresh new look combined with dazzling talent, but most important of all was the Hussey attitude.
[...]
Husseys can be found in the most unusual of places, and in the following months, through a mixture of advertising and talent spotting, Terry and his team managed to find over seven hundred of them. But only six were to reign supreme and secure their places in Britain’s brightest young pop group.
Eventually two hundred of the very best and talented Husseys were shortlisted and invited to audition in front of a panel of top media experts. They were:
Triple A Management are delighted to introduce Sexy Sian as the new member of Hussey. Sian replaces the lovelorn Carley. Torn between love and London, she discovered that happiness was home in South Wales with her boyfriend. Hussey wish her well.
And so, by October 2003, the band was complete – Sam, Emma, Sian, Kate and Marvin. Except, hold on, this isn’t Marvin:
GAY MARVIN
Meet Gay Marvin, the newest member of your fav pop group. This sultry looking 18-year-old hails from Kent. An accomplished actor with many performances to his name, Marvin discovered his unique vocal talents during a one-off solo performance at his local college. A natural Hussey by nature (as anyone who lives in his hometown will vouch for!), a chance glimpse of a local news bulletin led him to the Hussey HQ for an audition. Now this sexy young charmer is embracing the Hussey lifestyle for real.
His sexy charms are sure to appeal to a whole new Hussey audience.
Two Gay Marvins?
Who put this band together? Joseph Stalin?
I’d always thought that Gay Marvin (or rather the Gay Marvin I met) was called Gay Marvin because his name was Marvin and he was gay and it was a sort of joke because it’s a bit like Marvin Gaye. I could accept. It made sense. But I find it hard to believe that this could be true for both Marvins. It’s not even like Marvin is that common a name. Now I don’t even know if either of them are really called Marvin or if either of them are really gay. I don’t know what to believe anymore. My whole world has been turned upside down.
OK, he might be gay.
I managed to find the video for Girls On Top on Youtube:
Unfortunately, the sound quality is really bad, so it sounds like they’re underwater. The video was uploaded by ArmstrongTerry. Terry Armstrong – the man who created Hussey! I wondered what he’d been up in the last few years. Unfortunately, things haven’t gone very well, as he explains here:
When I first started watching that video, I thought that maybe it was an attempt at a comedy sketch. I didn’t understand what was happening. Too many parts of the story pointed to tabloid clichés. Paedos, legal aid, Northern Rock. And statements like this:
Waste of time anyway really, because even if the paedophile was Hitler, we’d have lost…
Surely it couldn’t be for real? I like the bit where he talks about Uncle Harry and says “He married my aunt, which made him my ‘uncle’” as if this is a really spurious way for someone to be your uncle. There are only two ways to be someone’s uncle, and that’s one of them. “She was my mum’s sister, which made her my ‘aunt’”. “She gave birth to me, which made her my ‘mum’”.
It was confusing. He beat up a paedophile, but wasn’t charged with assault, so why was he losing his home? The relationship between Terry and Uncle Harry was a bit more complicated than that video suggested. Terry and his son had a financial arrangement with Uncle Harry, which is explained here:
After Harry had been caught exposing himself to children, Harry and his wife were forced to leave the east end. Terry arranged for them to buy his mother-in-law’s house. Terry’s aunt died, and so that Harry could stay on in the house, it was agreed that Terry’s son would buy the house and allow Harry to stay there, rent-free, for the rest of his life. It was then discovered that Harry had been abusing his five-year-old granddaughter and Terry either did or did not beat him up and Harry fled the area, claiming that Terry’s son had bullied him into leaving so that he could move into the house. And it was the court case over this property which eventually resulted in Terry defaulting on his mortgage and being evicted from his home:
Terry has set up a website for other people going through the same situation, well not quite the same situation, but facing repossession.
I hope Terry will be OK. I think he will be. He’ll survive:
A true, genuine Hussey is hard to define. It’s not enough to be fashionable, or streetwise. Husseys can be found anywhere in the world, and it’s only when you meet one that you know. They have that unmistakable “something” that makes you look twice when you see them in the street.
However, there are things that all good Husseys have in common:
They all have their own sense of style – not somebody else’s!
All Husseys know what they want and will work hard to get it.
A true Hussey isn’t afraid to stand out from the crowd.
Natural sex appeal and the ability to use it!
They are leaders, not followers.
But most importantly, Husseys know how to have fun. Whether dancing in the clubs, hanging out with friends on a Saturday afternoon, or flirting with the boy next door, Husseys make the most of every opportunity to “have a laugh”.
Terry thinks these could be Husseys:
I’d love to see a pop group featuring Barbara Windsor, Leslie Ash, Saira Khan, Nadia Sawalha and Stephen Fry.
I mean, imagine the five of them performing Hussey Hustle:
One the performers was Josh Widdicombe, who is a very likeable comedian and in fact was one of the other acts the night I bought my cat.
During his short set, Widdicombe talks about how where he is staying in Edinburgh is nicer than where actually lives during the rest of the year (skip to about 9mins 10secs). “I moved six months ago” he explains.
I moved to quite a rough area. To give you an idea, when we moved in, the estate agent – one of the ways he sold it to us – he said “Well, it’s a great location because you’re just across the road from Argos Extra.” If you don’t know Argos Extra, it’s a smaller version of Argos.
Now, this is simply wrong.
Argos Extra stores are the largest of all the Argos stores. That’s why they’re called “Argos Extra”. It wouldn’t make sense to call them “Argos Extra” if they were smaller than normal Argos stores. Widdicombe seems aware of this contradiction, but rather than question his own assertion that Argos Extra stores are smaller than normal Argos stores, he suggests Argos are engaging in some kind of obscure wordplay.
They’ve used the rare definition of “extra” to mean far, far less.
Argos aren’t being sarcastic, Josh. They just want to sell people kettles. They’re not interested in irony.
And the audience. The audience all laugh along happily. Not one person challenges this liar. If I’d been there, I’d have stood up and shouted “NO. ARGOS EXTRA STORES ARE LARGER THAN NORMAL ARGOS STORES. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CALLED ARGOS EXTRA. IT WOULDN’T MAKE SENSE OTHERWISE WOULD IT? THEY’RE NOT BEING SARCASTIC. THEY JUST WANT TO SELL PEOPLE KETTLES. THEY’RE NOT INTERESTED IN IRONY. YOU’RE THINKING OF ARGOS CALL & COLLECT STORES. THEY’RE SMALLER THAN NORMAL ARGOS STORES. NOW APOLOGISE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND LEAVE THE STAGE, YOU CHARLATAN”. Then I’d have stormed out, kicking over tables and hurling chairs in the air as I left. There would have been a moment of silence, as everyone tried to understand what had just happened. Eventually, someone would gasp “He’s right!” and, as the scales fell from their eyes, they would all follow me outside, hoist me upon their shoulders, carry me through the streets and make me their king.
That would have been a shame, because I would then have missed the rest of his set, and the line about shopping at Argos being like playing Battleships is quite brilliant, but he needlessly compromised the integrity of that joke by building it on a foundation of lies, and for that, he must die.
Anyway, to avoid any further confusion, here is an explanation of each store type taken from the Argos website:
What is the difference between a regular Argos store and an Argos Extra store?
Argos Extra stores are bigger stores that keep the full range of Argos Extra products in-store so you can take them away straightaway. We’re constantly opening new Argos Extra stores so there should be one near you. All Argos Extra stores are identified with the Extra symbol on the Store locator, in your trolley and in the catalogue.
Our regular Argos stores keep the regular Argos range but can get Extra items in for you, usually within 3 working days. Remember, if you want to buy an Extra item from a regular Argos store, you can order by using Check and Reserve to save yourself a journey!
What is the difference between a regular Argos store and an Argos Call & Collect store?
Argos Call & Collect stores are smaller stores that don’t hold any stock, but they can get both regular and items in for you. Argos Call & Collect stores are used as a pick-up point to save you a long journey to your nearest stocked-in store!
Remember you can still get all your favourite products at these stores – all you have to do is order your items before you visit the store. You can make an order over the phone and then collect your order from the store usually within 3 working days.
Please print this out and learn it. There will be a test.
As the title suggests, this post is the second part of a series of posts about obscure pop group Hussey. You might want to read part one first, otherwise the following may not make much sense.
As I left the Hussey showcase on Whitfield Street, I felt confused. I didn’t understand why a company as big as TBWA would get involved with a band as amateurish as Hussey or why Trevor Beattie would want to associate them with a client as important as FCUK.
As a band, they weren’t actually that bad. Girls On Top is quite a good little tune, not hugely groundbreaking – a slightly weedy imitation of Sound Of The Underground which had come out a couple of years before – but not too bad (Girls On Top is on Spotify if you want to have a listen). They had another song which sounded a bit like FLM by Mel & Kim and was better than Girls On Top, but I can’t remember what it was called (not only can I not remember what it was called, I can’t remember anything about it at all except that it sounded a bit like FLM by Mel & Kim).
There was potential there. They looked a bit rough maybe, but think back to those early clips of the Spice Girls, before Wannabe had even been released. Audition clips. Footage of them sharing a flat together. They didn’t have a stylist, they couldn’t afford one. But then again, they weren’t being offered a promotional tour with FCUK backed by a major advertising company. Hussey were. They could at least have got someone to sort out their website so it didn’t look so awful. Trevor Beattie’s not an idiot, he must have known it didn’t look right.
While I was at the showcase, I spoke to a man called Alex. He was the lawyer of the band’s manager. He’d been given a CD a few months before but had never bothered to listen to it. However, in the weeks after appearing in the b3ta newsletter, the Hussey website had got nearly a million hits – and now here they were, performing a London showcase.
I thought originally that maybe Beattie had found out about the band in much the same way as I had and, as word of mouth spread and people kept emailing the website to their friends, decided to get involved. But, in reality, Beattie had been associated with the band long before they appeared on b3ta.
Could it be possible, I wondered, that the whole thing had been deliberately manufactured to try to create a band who had such a bad image that once people discovered them, the whole thing would go viral? That the website was actually meant to look like that? They had specifically chosen the name “Hussey” because it was such a terrible name for a band? Could that be the explanation? No-one had heard of them and then suddenly their website gets a million hits, all because it looks a bit shabby and one of the members is called Gay Marvin.
No. I don’t think that’s what happened. It’s a shame, because I really like that theory. It suggests a brilliant svengali mind behind the whole thing, but it’s too elaborate. It’s too retrospectively focussed. Just because they managed to get a load of people to visit their website doesn’t mean they planned to do that. It just happened. Sometimes things just happen.
I think Trevor Beattie got involved because he liked the idea of “discovering” a pop group, and didn’t really know enough about pop music to see what was wrong with the band. And I think that was the problem with Hussey. They’d been put together by people who didn’t know what they were doing.
