1000s OF USES: PART 9 – AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO

I’m pleased to say Michelle loved the Christmas card I sent her. She just sent me an email:

Hi James,

I just wanted to say thanks very much for the Christmas card – a nice surprise to get one from a customer – thank you!

Your 1000s of uses query was no problem at all. I love to receive letters from our customers – good or bad. It gives us valuable feedback and it may sound like a cliché, but you’re the people that matter and why we are here.

Anyway, I’m a self confessed Blu-Tack nerd and could talk about Blu-Tack all day (and generally do).

I hope you have a great Christmas and receive many Christmas cards that you can stick on the walls with Blu-Tack (another use) – in fact if you send me your address I’ll send you a free pack with my compliments.

Kind Regards
Michelle

I’m genuinely touched.

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1000s OF USES: PART 8 – MERRY CHRISTMAS

After all of her hard work, I thought it would be nice to send Michelle a Christmas card. I put quite a lot of thought into picking the card. I didn’t want to send something which would make me look silly. She respects me. I wanted something quite serious.

I think I made a good choice. This is what I wrote inside:

Dear Michelle,

Many thanks for all your help and patience in looking into my “1000s of uses” query.

I wonder how many uses this card has. Not as many as Blu-Tack, I am sure!

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!

James

I possibly overdid it with the exclamation marks, but maybe it’s OK. It’s Christmas. Surely you’re allowed an exclamation mark or two at this time of year.

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NOTTING HILL

I went to the Museum of Brands in Notting Hill yesterday. It was surprisingly traumatic. I took some photos:

It’s actually the second time I’ve gone there. The first time was in the summer when I had some time off work. I’d gone on a Monday and hadn’t checked their website. They’re closed on Mondays. Disappointed, I went to the nearby Walmer Castle to have an overpriced pint. It was a very hot day and there were two men sitting at the table outside. I bought a pint and sat on a leather sofa in the back. After a while, one of the men outside came in and asked the barman if he had any sun cream. The barman, understandably, didn’t know why the hell this man was asking him for sun cream. He’s a barman in a pub, he doesn’t work in Superdrug.

A couple came in with a baby in a pushchair. They parked the pushchair at the bottom of the stairs near where I was sitting and went upstairs. The baby was asleep. One of the men from outside – not the one who had asked for the sun cream, he was too ashamed – brought in the glasses and they left. Downing the last of a pint as you stride over to the bar and put your glass down is one of my favourite things in the world and I could tell this guy enjoyed it too. There’s something so reassuring about it. In that moment I know exactly who I am. Here I stand, a man. And here you stand, landlord of this fine establishment. We are men. We know our roles in society. I place my glass here and flick my eyebrows. You silently nod. No need for further dialogue. Everything we need to say is communicated by my eyebrow flick and your silent nod. We are playing our parts in this drama and we play them well. This could be any moment in history but it is today. Sometimes, when I’m feeling lonely, I’ll go into a pub and buy a pint specifically to enjoy this split second of intimacy; this passing bond.

The two men left. After a couple of minutes, the mother of the baby came downstairs and checked on him. He was still asleep. She went back up stairs. Every five minutes or so, she would come downstairs to check on him. I realised there was a Thai restaurant upstairs. They were having lunch. They’d left their baby downstairs in a pub so they could have lunch. The barman went out a door at the back of the pub and a barmaid came in. She looked at me, and the baby in the pushchair and smiled. It occurred to me that she probably thought the baby was with me. It also occurred to me that the two people who had seen me go into the pub had left. Finally, it occurred to me that if I waited until the woman upstairs came down one more time, I’d then have a window of about five or ten minutes where I could steal the baby and be out of sight before anyone even knew anything was wrong.

I wasn’t really sure what I would do with the baby. If I could get a taxi, I’d be well out of the area before the police were called, but then what would I do? I couldn’t take the baby home. How could I explain the fact that all of a sudden, I had a baby boy in a pushchair? In fact, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I didn’t even want the baby. And yet, I couldn’t get the idea out of my head. I’d just finish my drink and walk out with the baby. A courteous nod to the barmaid. Everything is fine. I’m leaving now with my baby. A dialogue started in my head. Part of me planning how I would steal the baby; the other part, increasingly nervous, was asking if I was serious. “Just finish your drink and walk out with the baby” said one voice. “OK, but you are only kidding, right? You know you’re not actually going to steal the baby, don’t you? You know this is just some idle daydream” said the other. “She thinks he’s your baby anyway, she won’t think there’s anything wrong”.

It’s safe to say that if I did steal the baby, my life would be changed forever. There would be no going back. I would be arrested, charged and convicted. At the trial, I would be unable to offer any defence or explanation for my actions. All I would be able to say is “I saw an opportunity”. I would go to prison. I would probably become a tabloid hate figure. My family would possibly disown me, my sister would definitely never ask me to babysit. I’d struggle to get a job. Nothing would be the same ever again.

Sometimes I wish I’d taken that baby.

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1000s OF USES: PART 7 – THE MORAL ARGUMENT

Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know. I just don’t seem to feel the same spark with Simone as I did with Michelle. I was so excited to receive her email, but so disappointed once I read it. It’s only a slight exaggeration to say she broke my heart. I wrote back:

Hi Simone,

Many thanks for getting back to me so quickly. To be honest, I didn’t expect any kind of response at all as the “Contact” form on the English-language site doesn’t seem to work and I had to contact you through the German site.

Thank you for sending me the link to the Patafix site. Some of the ways they use Patafix certainly are very creative and had never occurred to me (playing a board game upside-down on the underneath of a table! Crazy!). However, I’m afraid that I’m still not entirely satisfied.

It seems to me that if you make a specific claim regarding your product, it is only reasonable to ask if you have any way of backing up that claim. Otherwise, people could make all sorts of claims and no-one would know what to believe. I’m not denying that White Tack is a very versatile product, but “thousands” of uses? That seems an awful lot.

Can there really be that many uses?

Regards,
James

I think you can sense the emotion. I was trying to be upbeat, but I was laughing through the tears. She replied quite promptly; such German efficiency.

Dear James,

I just tried out in Google to type in “1000′s of uses” and actually got 180.000 hits of site of products/services with 1000′s of uses. I think this is a general English term which is used to describe a product which is really versatile in terms of usage as this is also the case for our UHU White tack/UHU patafix.

But I actually think it could be a nice idea to ask our consumers for their input and their individual ideas and then to end up with a very creative list of ideas of how to use the product.

Maybe this can be an idea for a promotion on our patafix web-site!

Thank you again for your input and kind regards,
Simone

Now, at first glance, this almost seems like a brush-off (“thank you again for your input and kind regards”). But note how she’s switched to calling me “James” (in her previous email she called me “Mr Ward”). She’s warming to me. And that’s fortunate, because if she thinks I’m going to be satisfied with a response like that, she’s mistaken.

There’s already a word which means something which is versatile in terms of usage, that word is “versatile”. The phrase “thousands of uses”, on the other hand, specifically means something which has thousands of uses. And, as I keep saying, maybe there really are thousands of uses, but you can’t just pick a number, claim your product has that many uses and then cross your fingers and hope you’re right. If we accepted that principle, where would that leave us? The whole foundation of society would collapse. “Oh, well it probably helps lower cholesterol, maybe it would be a nice idea to ask our customers to monitor their levels of cholesterol and let us know how they get on.”

This is a moral issue.

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1000s OF USES: PART 6 – GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

The last few days have been something of a roller-coaster of emotions for me, as I continue my struggle to establish whether or not there really are thousands of uses for Blu-Tack.

Firstly, having recovered from my shocking discovery, I contacted UHU. Their English language site is still under construction, and although they have a very small UK site, the contact form on their website doesn’t seem to work very well (or at all), and I wasn’t able to find an email address. As a result, I had no choice other than to fill out the Kontaktformular on the German website:

Hi,

I recently bought a pack of UHU White Tack and noticed that according to your packaging, White Tack has “thousands of uses”. I was just wondering if you perhaps had a list of all these uses, as I have struggled to think of more than fifty possible uses for your product and so am obviously missing quite a few.

Thanks,
James

I didn’t have much hope of getting a response to be honest, so I was thrilled when a couple of days later, I saw an email appear in my inbox from someone at UHU. My excitement quickly turned to frustration, however, as soon as I read their response.

Dear Mr. Ward,
Thank you for your inquiry on UHU White Tack. There are really multiple applications of UHU White tack such as fixing posters, postcards, memos, pencil boxes, decorations, photos and much more but we do not have a real list of applications at hand. Maybe our German UHU patafix Web-site (UHU patafix is the brand name use in Germany for UHU White tack) can give you some inspiring ideas of how to use the product in a creative way of which you right now have not thought yet. If you click on “I love patafixer” you will find our 4 patafixer teenagers who really use patafix in a creative way (http://www.uhu-patafix.de/). I hope this will be helpful for you.

Best regards,
Simone

Sound familiar? This is exactly the same story Bostik tried to fob me off with. Yes, I KNOW there are multiple applications for White Tack; as I said in my original email, I had counted more than fifty (this is actually based on the number of uses I had established for Blu-Tack a while ago. I’m assuming all of these also hold true for White Tack as well). I’m not asking whether or not White Tack is versatile, I know it’s versatile, I just want to know if there is any truth to their claim that it has “thousands of uses”. And so it begins again.

Fortunately though, there has been some good news. I feel like I’m really getting somewhere with Bostik. Michelle and I are really bonding. I think it’s safe to say she admires me. Perhaps even loves me slightly. I’m sure she looks forward to my emails.

After her last email to me, I wrote back and explained precisely what the issue was:

Hi Michelle,

Sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply. I’ve been a bit busy, you know how it is!

I thought the artwork you sent through was very creative and illustrates the many ways in which Blu-Tack can be used, but at the same time, it highlighted the precise point I’ve been trying to make all along.

The artwork you sent me describes Blu-Tack as a “multi-purpose re-usuable adhesive”, this is certainly true. My problem is that your packaging states that Blu-Tack has “1000s of uses”. This is a different, and specific, claim. I still haven’t seen or heard anything which backs up this claim. Blu-Tack does have many uses, it is very versatile, but does it have thousands of uses, rather than simply hundreds of uses or dozens of uses? This is what I am trying to clarify.

I noted with interest that another product, WD-40, makes a similar claim, however, they have actually compiled a list of over two thousand applications for their product (http://www.wd40.co.uk/media/images/a/8/LIST_OF_2_000_USES.pdf).

Perhaps Bostik could follow their example and produce a similar list?

Regards,
James

Now, in all honesty, the WD-40 list leaves a lot to be desired. Many of the uses listed are pretty spurious to say the least, and I’ll be raising this issue with WD-40 in good time. For example, I question whether or not this can really be considered a valid use for WD-40:

This seems overly specific:

And surely this:

And this:

Are just specific examples of this:

I didn’t mention any of this to Michelle of course. Some might say I was acting disingenuously, I would say I was being strategic. And I think the tactic worked. Michelle replied today:

Hi James

I hope you have had a nice week and looking forward to the weekend.

I am really glad to hear that you agree that Blu-Tack is indeed a multi-purpose product but obviously disappointed that you do not agree that Blu-Tack has indeed 1000s of uses – or at least maybe you do agree, but want to see these in writing?

We have been asked this question many times before but most have been appeased! – but please bear with me.

The thing is that Blu-Tack uses tend to be so personal and so random to the user that it is hard to identify specific uses. I can only say that by way of the numerous letters and emails we have received over the years stating their uses, that this gives us full confidence that Blu-Tack does in fact have 1000s of uses.

The thing is – Blu-Tack is all about fun, creativity and imagination – this is what we say about the brand. Now if we were to come up with 1000s of suggestions for people then it would kind of take a little bit of that magic away. Also on the same note, we kind of feel that who are we to suggest what to do with your Blu-Tack? I hope that makes sense.

It’s not about stating a random claim just to “big up” our product – as I said we’re a genuine company.

What we have done as part of our website http://www.blu-tack.co.uk is to put an area on the site where consumers can load up their own suggestions for Blu-Tack as well as their models and animations (other good uses for Blu-Tack). Please check it out – I hope you like it.

I was not long ago sent a rather large list of uses by a customer which I would forward however, quite a number of them were not really suitable for publication – but were read with much interest and amusement the team here.

However, having said all this above if you are still not satisfied then I can do something further. This week I spent a day with my counterparts from Bostik Australia and Bostik South Africa. Both have said that they have lists of thousands of uses for Blu-Tack by way of competitions they have run and both said they will send me a copy once they return to their respective countries.

Therefore, when I will receive them, I will happily forward the lists which I hope will then give you the confidence in us that our 1000s of uses claim is correct.

Kind regards
Michelle

I must say, when Michelle mentioned how listing the thousands of uses for Blu-Tack would take away some of its magic, I was quite moved. And such modesty! Even Bostik, the people who make Blu-Tack, don’t want to prescribe how it should be used. I look forward to receiving the lists from Michelle’s international counterparts; but when I get the list, I might not read it. I want to keep the magic alive.

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