Tag Archives: twitter

GERVAIS

October 18, 2011 By in WORDS Tags: , , , , , 73 Comments

I liked The Office when it was on TV. I think possibly the writing on the American version was a bit sharper, but it always seemed a bit too glossy. I liked the slight grimness of the UK version. The footage of photocopiers. The sadness of it all.

Ricky Gervais has recently joined Twitter. Rejoined actually. He joined it originally last year and didn’t like it much. He said this about it:

I just don’t get it, I’m afraid. I’m sure it’s fun as a networking device for teenagers but there’s something a bit undignified about adults using it. Particularly celebrities who seem to be showing off by talking to each other in public.

If I want to tell a friend, famous or otherwise what I had to eat this morning, I’ll text them. And since I don’t need to make new virtual friends, it seemed a bit pointless to be honest.

But for whatever reason – and I’m sure it is nothing as “undignified” as him wanting to promote the second series of An Idiot Abroad or his new series, Life’s Too Short starring Warwick Davis – he recently decided to rejoin Twitter.

After returning to Twitter for just a few days, and despite only bothering to follow a handful of people, Gervais felt qualified to write an article for Wired about how brilliant Twitter was. Understandably, but also slightly shamefully, Wired published the article.

I’ve already discovered the best thing about Twitter too. Playing. Just mucking about for the hell of it. Although, I could technically count that as work. “Monging” about should be tax-deductible for me.

I use Twitter a lot, and as I read Gervais’ article, I couldn’t help but think that he wasn’t really talking about Twitter. The specific, brilliant qualities that I (and two hundred million other people) love about Twitter don’t get mentioned, and I think that’s because Gervais is either unwilling or unable to engage with Twitter on any useful or meaningful level.

Instead, he uses the article to talk about the relationship between art and critics:

There seems to be a real us and them battle with artist and critics. An artist moaning about critics is like a fisherman moaning about waves. Tough. They’re there. They’re there because artists are there. And in some cases vice versa. I think that’s because there’s limited space for successful creators.

Wait. “An artist moaning about critics is like a fisherman moaning about waves. Tough. They’re there.” OK. “They’re there because artists are there.” What? I thought the artists were the fishermen and the critics were the waves, right? So, hold on, now you’re claiming that waves are there because of the existence of fishermen? I thought it was, like, the moon which caused waves. You know, tides, and stuff. That’s caused by the moon, right? Not fishermen.

Ricky Gervais doesn’t get Twitter.

It’s become a horrible marketing cliché, but Twitter is about conversations. It’s about engaging with people. Instead, Gervais has used Twitter to fight a peculiar battle. He has apparently decided to take it upon himself to reclaim the word “mong”.

I’m not entirely sure why he has decided to fight this battle, particularly as it is obvious that he will never win. We’re living through a period of the largest and most visible displays of civil unease in decades. Cuts are causing immeasurable pain to families up and down the country, and it’s all being done so that the Government can maintain the lie that the current economic crisis was caused by people failing to pay their credit card bills rather than the reckless behaviour of a handful of city playboys drunk on their own power and immune to the consequences of their own behaviour. In this climate, Gervais, the multi-millionaire, has decided that of all people, it’s the mongs who are the most worthy targets of his satirical energy.

It all began a couple of weeks ago, when he started posting comments like this:

Some people evidently objected to his use of the word “mong”, but as he explains:

The meaning of words can change:

As far as he is concerned, the people offended by his language can only be motivated by jealousy:

If there were any truth to this, then surely Twitter would constantly be outraged at Harrison Ford, or JK Rowling, or Colin Firth, or the thousands of other people who are more successful than Ricky Gervais. But this isn’t the case, because no-one objects to the innocuous Ford or Firth. And the obvious reason for this is that it isn’t success we are objecting to. We are objecting to what he’s saying. His words are offensive.

And there’s something unspeakably horrid about the direction of his argument. “Those people aren’t really offended by the things I say – they are offended by my success.” In Gervais’ worldview, anyone criticising those above them are motivated by jealously and so should be dismissed without further thought. For him, the only legitimate targets therefore are the weak and unfortunate.

I have no idea why Gervais is doing this. Even with the most generous of explanations (that he is somehow challenging our attitude to disability), he comes across like a clumsy, clueless, insensitive prick. There is a word for someone who engages in this sort of behaviour online, that word is “troll”. I suggest a new word: “Gervais”. He can’t object, after all, it has a new meaning now.

CELEBRITY JUICE

April 24, 2011 By in WORDS Tags: , , , , , , 9 Comments

Last night, I watched an episode of Celebrity Juice, the “hilarious topical panel show” presented by “madcap host Keith Lemon”. Normally, the two team captains are Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton, however, as Willoughby has just had a baby, she was replaced by Chris Moyles.

I’d never watched the show before, and didn’t really understand what was happening. I had been drinking for most of the day, which I assumed would help get me into the right frame of mind to enjoy the programme but even this wasn’t enough.

Chris Moyles took part in a round called “Be A Dingbat”, where he had to get the answers wrong. Lemon explains:

You’ve got to answer incorrectly, but it can’t just be random, it has to have some relevance.

I like the “it has to have some relevance” qualifier as it’s a sort of admission that it’s actually not a very good idea for a round on a quiz show.

The round started with the first question:

Lemon: What did you set the world record for last month?
Moyles: Masturbating.

We’re already off to a good start. Moyles demonstrating the wit which has made him famous.

Lemon asked a couple more questions which Moyles correctly answered incorrectly. One question got him a bit confused.

Lemon: Is Fearne Cotton a good DJ?

After a slight pause, Moyles answered “No”. Fearne was upset by the length of time it had taken Moyles to work out how to answer that question, so Moyles asked Keith to repeat the question and this time he answered it a lot quicker to appease Fearne.

Then, Keith asked the next question:

Lemon: Is Fearne Cotton good in bed?
Moyles: Yes.
Cotton: The answer is you don’t know. The answer is you don’t know and you won’t know.
Moyles: No, I do know, you don’t – rohypnol!

The audience laughed and the quiz continued.

I felt the “rohypnol” joke wasn’t very funny. I mean, it’s not actually even really a joke. Moyles is saying he knows what it’s like to have sex with Fearne Cotton despite the fact she doesn’t remember it because he drugged her with rohypnol. Even aside from the fact that it’s a really unpleasant thing to say, it doesn’t even make sense. You can’t judge whether someone is good in bed by giving them rohypnol and raping them. It’s not a fair test. It’s not an accurate way of assessing their sexual prowess. The victim may not be giving their best performance because of the sedative effect of the drug.

I mentioned it on Twitter:

A few people agreed that it was kind of an unacceptable thing to say. I noticed that the actor Charlie Condou had tweeted about how funny he thought the programme was and wondered if he thought the “rohypnol” comment in particular was funny:

He replied:

Charlie later explained that he misunderstood my question and just meant that the programme as a whole was hilarious and that obviously date rape isn’t funny. I suppose the question “Did you like the bit when Moyles joked about drug raping Fearne Cotton?” is a bit ambiguous and does sort of look like “What did you think of that episode of Celebrity Juice?”. It’s an easy mistake to make.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that Chris Moyles made an unpleasant comment (that’s his job, after all). It’s just sad that it seems OK to make jokes like that. It’s sad that no-one bothered to challenge him. It’s sad that it’s broadcast on a mainstream comedy programme, even if it is only ITV2. It made me sad. I don’t really have anything more to say about it. It just made me sad.

You could argue that people should be allowed to make jokes about any subject, and I agree, but the trade-off there is that the joke should be funny and “I do know, you don’t – rohypnol” isn’t funny1.

——
NOTES
1 In fact, you may have noticed that I was able to criticise Chris Moyles’ “rohypnol” joke by suggesting that the main problem with the joke is that it’s logically (rather than morally) flawed. As if to say it is the lack of logic that I find more disturbing than the joke itself and that I have no specific objection to using rohypnol to have sex with someone but think it’s unfair to then use that experience to judge how good the person is in bed. This is (sort of) a joke about (sort of) the same thing as Chris Moyles’ original joke, but my joke is better because I am cleverer than Chris Moyles.

BIRTHDAY UPDATE

March 29, 2011 By in WORDS Tags: , , , , , , , , 8 Comments

I’ve decided to hold this at the Sloe Bar in Waterloo Station.

You can go there at whatever time you like on Saturday evening (April 2nd). I’ll sit in a different pub nearby, which shall remain secret.

At about 8pm, I’ll toss a coin which will determine whether or not I turn up. If it’s heads, I’ll go to the Sloe Bar and meet you all, assuming anyone turns up. If it’s tails, I’ll stay where I am and sit on my own in the other pub until closing time. I’ll take a book with me or something.

Consider this an invite.

BIRTHDAY

March 22, 2011 By in WORDS Tags: , , , , , , 14 Comments

On Saturday 2nd April, I will turn 30.

I’m not sure how to mark this event. For various reasons (not just the psychic trauma of turning thirty) I’m not even sure if I want to celebrate it at all.

I should probably have a party of some sort. That is “the done thing”, after all. To be honest though, if were forced to have a party, there’s only one person I’d want to invite. Jedward:

Sadly [correct at time of writing] Jedward have not replied. Ever optimistic though, I contacted another close celebrity friend:

However, Michael has been a bit unwell recently, and so felt the idea of a bouncy castle was a bit too much:

I tried to explain that the bouncy castle was not compulsory:

However, Michael replied:

I assume by “love jelly parties frighten me im a recluse”, what Michael meant was that although he loves jelly, as a recluse, he finds parties somewhat intimidating. I hope this is what he meant. Otherwise he seems to be saying that he is afraid of “love jelly parties”. I have no idea what a “love jelly party” is, but I would say that the idea of Michael Winner attending such a function fills me with fear. Or maybe it’s not fear. Perhaps it’s a different feeling, I just know that it makes me feel all funny.

As I face the fact that neither Michael Winner nor Jedward will be celebrating my birthday with me, I wonder if I should bother celebrating my birthday at all, and it is this ambivalence of feeling which leads me to the only option which makes sense. I will organise a party for my birthday, just without the guarantee that I will turn up. I will book a space somewhere – a room in a pub – and invite anyone who wants to come, but whether or not I attend will be decided by the toss of a coin.

In many ways, this is ideal. I don’t know if I want to celebrate my thirtieth birthday, and so I can simply avoid making the decision by submitting to the will of a coin toss. I don’t know if anyone would want to come to celebrate my birthday with me anyway, so you are at least given a 50/50 chance of a night out without having to speak to me.

If the coin toss goes against me, I’ll just sit in a pub round the corner on my own, or maybe I’ll just go home. Have an early night.

I like this idea. It gives me the option of everything and nothing. Of sociability and anti-sociability. My birthday becomes a game.

Heads or tails?

Edit: I’ve decided to hold this at the Sloe Bar in Waterloo Station. You can go there at whatever time you like on Saturday evening. I’ll sit in a different pub nearby, which shall remain secret. At about 8pm, I’ll toss a coin which will determine whether or not I turn up. If it’s heads, I’ll go to the Sloe Bar and meet you all, assuming anyone turns up. If it’s tails, I’ll stay where I am and sit on my own in the other pub until closing time. I’ll take a book with me or something. Consider this an invite.

LOVE/HATE TRAVEL

March 14, 2011 By in PICTURES, WORDS Tags: , , , , , 9 Comments

I see this poster every day when I’m waiting for my train:

It’s part of a “Love/Hate Travel” campaign sponsored by Powwownow. The idea is that people post messages on Twitter about their travel experiences using either the #lovetravel or the #hatetravel hashtags depending on whether the experience is positive or negative. The bit of text at the top of the poster explains:

Hey, You! Having a charming day? Or are you SCREAMING inside? Let it out. Share your joy or vent your rage. Don’t hold back, you business traveller you. Join the debate at http://www.lovehatetravel.co.uk
Can’t wait? Follow @LoveHateTravel use #lovetravel or #hatetravel

So actually, it’s aimed at business travellers, not just anyone. But I see that poster on my way to work, so does that count as “business travel”? Along the bottom of the poster, they list various different types of transport:

cycle, drive, taxi, scooter, skateboard, tram, tube, boat, train, bus, walk, fly, conference call

I can’t really imagine many business travellers using a skateboard to get to a meeting. Unless it’s Tony Hawk (the American skateboarder, not the comedian, writer, musician and philanthropist Tony Hawks).

“Conference call” isn’t really a type of transport either, although Powwownow do provide customers with “low-cost conference calling facilities with the ethos of no booking, no billing, no fuss”. However clearly, this is not a Powwownow advert. This is a campaign “sponsored” by Powwownow. I’m not sure what that means. Is this poster “sponsored” by McCain’s Rustic Oven Chips? I suspect what it means is they’ve created a couple of hashtags on Twitter and are claiming to have created some sort of debate, and so are contributing to the public sphere. The fact that it’s a debate which will provide them with loads of quotes from people saying how much they hate travel and if only they could do all their meetings by conference call instead is just a fortunate coincidence.

Ow! My back is killing me, I’m going as fast as I can, buddy! #hatetravel

This poor man hates travel because his back is so painful it appears to producing sound.

Another day, another muppet in my way. Hmmph. #hatetravel

That’s a bit unfair, just listen to that other guy’s back. In fact, you’d think that second guy would be a bit more sympathetic to someone suffering from back pain considering the fact that his spine appears to go all the way up and round to the top of his head. In fact, maybe that’s why he’s not interested in the noises being emitted by the back of the man in front of him. He’s spent his whole life experiencing absurd back problems, he doesn’t care about anyone else’s noisy back. God only knows what noise his back makes.

I’m assuming the man whistling is just whistling because he’s happy that he has a silent back and he’s not whistling at the smug, sexy woman on her way to her presentation.

Heading to a holiday in the sun. So long, suckers! #lovetravel

Hang on, he’s going on holiday! He’s not even a business traveller.

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