ARGOS PEN: AN ANSWER (OF SORTS)
Written by James Ward
With all the excitement and disappointment of last week, I didn’t get round to mentioning a development in my quest to find out how many ballpoint pens get used in Argos stores every year.
The other day, a comment was posted on my blog from someone who works at Argos. In order to protect the identity of the person who posted the comment, I have hidden it from public view. I have also decided to give this person a codename to further protect them, and so from now on will be referring to this person as Agent 396/0109 (this is the Argos catalogue number for something called Spykee The Spy Robot, a “WiFi spy robot to build that moves, sees, listens, takes pictures and videos”, comes supplied with a NiMH 9.6v battery and is suitable for children aged eight and over).
As I mentioned, Agent 396/0109 works for Argos and although he is not able to give a precise figure, he was able to offer this estimate:
I don’t know how many pens we go through, but I would estimate I order 6 boxes of 144 per month in my store, which is 10368 per year. There are 700 stores, so that’s 7,257,600.
Now, obviously, this is only a very rough estimate. I have no idea of the size or location of the store where Agent 396/0109 works. I have no idea of the store’s footfall; I don’t know if he works in a small high-street branch, or a larger Argos Extra store. I am unable to tell how typical his store is in comparison to other stores. I have no idea if there are regional differences in terms of how many pens each store gets through. This figure should only be considered as a very rough indicator of the number of ballpoint pens used in Argos stores each year. I cannot stress that enough.
As a further complicating factor, Agent 396/0109 points out that some stores use pencils, although he is quite critical of their suitability:
They are simply not up to the job. While they are possibly more environmentally friendly, they are not practical. The leads break easily and we cannot go around sharpening them. They cannot be used for signing credit card receipts, so an alternative source of pens is required. They are also MORE EXPENSIVE, therefore damaging my cost controls.
This issue of cost is very important to Agent 396/0109, who explains:
Pens come out of my stationery budget, which is part of my controllable costs (a secondary KPI) which goes towards my bonus. If you steal a pen, you are literally taking food from my mouth.
I will return the pen I stole to the New Oxford Street branch tomorrow.
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Maybe Argos should let you either print out your order from the stock checker or transfer it directly to the till as a reserve number like you do online. That way pens are no longer required. The other solution would be that as I and most people I know actually have a pen on them most of the time but would use an Argos pen lazily to save hunting for it, that all pens are removed and are put in a vending machine with a nominal 5p charge.
Surely it’s not that difficult to simply REMEMBER the number? Obviously, this does get more challenging if you are making more than one purchase, but imagine the sense of satisfaction you would feel if you got them all right.
…and the sense of wonder if you didn’t?
You would have to buy whatever item corresponded to the number you said in error.
Literally?
Well, in the sense that each stolen pen eats into the bonus Agent 396/0109 receives at the end of the year, leaving him less money to spend on food (NiMH 9.6v batteries).
No, not literally. Literally would be like if I went up to James Ward and pulled the half-eaten Twirl from his mouth.
I’d like to quibble with the ‘literally taking food from his mouth’ comment. Surely he doesn’t live off his bonus, I like to think that by stealing pens we are affecting his children’s university savings, making him chose to go on holiday somewhere closer, redirecting his supermarket trip from waitrose to sainsburys. Unless this agent has very poor saving skills? In which case can his ability to calculate numbers be called into question? This would render your pen estimate void!
I think given the tough economic climate of recent times, it is not unusual for people to find themselves short of cash and relying on the possibility of an annual bonus to help sort themselves out. I recently found myself in a similar situation, for example.
And the poor level pay received in retail, especially amongst managers who have to put in extra hours checking stationary budgets, does support your statement. I think I must have lived in an area with an abominable level of criminality, the pens were attached to the desks with string.
I think he meant to say “indirectly” rather than “literally”, unless he is not a human but in fact a PEN-EATING ANDROID.
He is a PEN-EATING SPY ROBOT (suitable for ages 8 and over).
This is literally my favourite ever James Ward post. I cried from laughing.
in amongst the things that you could not stress enough, you failed to stress the fact that you don’t know which region/city agent 396/0109’s store is located in. i don’t wish to stereotype, but i’m going to.. because if his store was in liverpool or scotland or one of those places, then we could safely say that the likelihood of his customers ‘doing a james ward’ would be significantly increased… thus impacting pen consumption and rendering your forecast wildly overstated. if, on the other hand, the store is in some leafy home-counties market town where the average consumer wouldn’t touch an argos biro, never mind pilfer one, then we could find your total to be a long way short of the truth. and, correct me if i’m wrong, it’s the truth that we’re all interested in.
actually, you clearly (and literally) did stress the regional point… just not the specific issue of localised criminality. apologies.
Yes, I didn’t want to cast aspersions about any particular area.
There was one by the wheel of my car today. How did it get there? (The pen, not the car.)
They are everywhere.
I would hazard an informed guess that the Argos store in question is in Leeds