BIG BROTHER

I haven’t watched any of this series of Big Brother, I sort of lost interest in it a few years ago in fact. The celebrity version is OK in that you know a bit about the people beforehand and have certain preconceived ideas of what they’re going to be like, so it’s interesting having those ideas either confirmed or proved wrong. Also, it only goes on for a couple of weeks. The “regular” version of Big Brother seems to go on for bloody ages and they keep bringing more and more bloody people in and you don’t know or care who any of them are.

Anyway, because it’s the last series, they’re doing a thing called “Ultimate Big Brother”, where people from previous series return to the house. At least I think that’s what it is. I haven’t watched any of it, and I’m mainly going on guesswork based on this poster which I see every day while I wait for the tube:

They’re sort of dressed like they’re going to a funeral, because it’s the last series of Big Brother. But it’s a sexy funeral. Look at how sexy they all are. I’d even do John McCririck, he looks so sexy there. Mean and sexy. Look at him. It’d be impossible to keep your hands off him.

As I stand in front of this poster each day, various thoughts pass through my head. To begin with, I tried to see if I could name everyone in the picture. I think I can except for two of them. Working from left to right: Michelle Bass, Brian Belo, a man in a hat, Craig, Alex, Dane Bowers, a sexy lady, Brian Dowling, Nikki, Nadia, Pete, Charley, Nasty Nick, Chantelle and John McCririck. It took me a couple of days of seeing the poster before I remembered Alex and Charley, but the others I knew straight away (except for the man in the hat and the sexy lady). Once I’d exhausted that game, I decided to choose who was sexiest out of all the sexy people in the picture. It’s definitely John McCririck, isn’t it? Look at him. Phwoar.

However, even staring at sexy John McCririck became a bit tiresome after a couple of weeks, so then I started to look more closely at the rest of the picture. It’s a sort of wintry/autumnal scene. The colours are all washed out and the sky is grey. Leaves appear to be falling from the trees. They have umbrellas. It took me a while, but then I realised there is something weird about those umbrellas.

The umbrellas all appear to be behind everyone in the picture. The top of the sexy lady’s hat is in front of the very bottom of the umbrella, and that umbrella is clearly in front of the one above Brian Dowling, Nikki and Nadia. And look at how far behind Nasty Nick that third umbrella is. Clearly none of the umbrellas are there to protect any of the people in the picture, so why are they there? And who is holding them up? You can see behind everyone through the gaps between their legs. There doesn’t appear to be anyone behind them.

I have spent days trying to make sense of this poster. Staring at it for ages until my train comes. Oh, wait a minute, there’s my train now:

I hope I can get a seat.

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