ELEPHANT
Written by James Ward
On Sunday, recovering from being assaulted the previous evening, I went into Kingston to buy a printer. I had checked on Twitter for recommendations, and the response I got confirmed my suspicion that all printers are shit so it doesn’t matter which one you get and you might as well just pick one at random rather than giving it any thought whatsoever. I think there’s a gap in the market here: printers which aren’t shit and which people don’t hate. Someone could make a fortune with that idea.
Originally, I’d planned to buy the printer in Argos, but then I decided to buy it from John Lewis. Why not? I’m a grown up. I don’t want to waste my life hanging around collection points anymore. As it turned out, I had to collect my printer from the Customer Collection department in the basement of John Lewis as they didn’t have it in stock on the shop floor. The world continues to mock me.
As I arrived in Kingston I saw this sign:
The suggestion seems to be that there’s something weird about the fact that although people probably would notice an elephant walking along Eden Street, they might not notice a bus going along the same road. I don’t think that’s weird. I think there’s a reason for that. Buses go along Eden Street all the time. It’s quite a busy street. It’s very rare to see any elephants on Eden Street. I’ve walked along Eden Street countless times in my life, and I have never seen a single elephant. Not one.
An elephant walking along Eden Street would create chaos. There’d be people in the street screaming “THERE’S AN ELEPHANT! LOOK AN ELEPHANT! AN ELEPHANT! LOOK, IT’S AN ELEPHANT! WHERE DID THAT ELEPHANT COME FROM? THERE’S AN ELEPHANT! LOOK! AN ELEPHANT! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! IT’S AN ELEPHANT! GET SOME SUGAR LUMPS! NO WAIT, IS IT HORSES WHO EAT SUGAR LUMPS? I CAN’T REMEMBER”.
The traffic would come to a complete standstill. The police would be called. Actually, I’m not sure who you’d call if you saw an elephant walking down the road. I guess it would be the police. And the RSPCA, I suppose. Maybe the fire brigade? The army? You’d probably just dial 999 and when they asked what emergency service you require, you’d explain that you’re on Eden Street in Kingston and there’s an elephant on the loose and then they’d take it from there. The people in the control room are probably trained for just such an emergency. They’d know what to do. We’re safe in their hands. We don’t need to fear elephants.
The point is that it’s very obvious why people would notice an elephant on Eden Street, but might not notice a bus, and while I appreciate Kingston Council taking the time to remind people not to be run over by buses, I think this elephant comparison is flawed.
“So why do so many people fail to see this…” should be “So why do so many people fail to see this?” A question deserves a question mark. That poster really is pathetic.
It’s quite badly photoshopped too. You can see bits of grass underneath the elephant’s feet. The very fact they had to photoshop the picture of the elephant on Eden Street but didn’t have to photoshop the picture of the bus on Eden Street illustrates the fact that buses are more common than elephants on Eden Street.
But we’re all talking about it, aren’t we? Aren’t we, eh? Makes you think, doesn’t it?
“Hello, emergency services? There’s an elephant on Eden Street in Kingston. No, it’s not doing any harm, it’s just hanging around outside Beggars Banquet. What’s that? Oh right, peanuts, not sugar lumps.”
Peanuts and currant buns, those are the two main things that elephants eat.
Hahaha!
I like the idea that an elephant would amble along, following the course of the road and staying inside the lines. You can’t fear an OCD elephant. Well, unless your outfit clashes or something.
Could the Emergency Services put you through to the Disney Cartoon Mouse Dept.? its always been my experience that Elephants are afraid of their rodent masters….
It’s a pretty dangerous campaign if you ask me. The chances are that at some time or other a circus or a local zoo will experience an elephant escape. Lots of wealthy London residents have private zoos and it is quite likely that some of them house elephants. Those elephants are quite likely to head for the High Street because that’s where most of the food is. By exposing locals to pictures of an elephant in the High Street it is making the idea commonplace – and that spells danger.
I like the man in the blue top reflected in the poster, who is clearly thinking, ‘Why the fuck is this guy in the pointy shoes taking a picture of that poster?’
Ironically, moments later, he got hit by a bus. Probably.
I notice you’ve failed to inform us which brand of printer you will shortly be furious with after failing to set it up and then only managind to print test pages on.
Very disappointing.