2015

In 2015, I went to Disneyland Paris, I was flown to Washington to be filmed looking at ducks and was flown to New York to talk about looking at ducks, I became a piece of in-flight entertainment, I went to Hay to talk in front of three hundred and fifty people about paperclips, I got an entry on IMDB, I was flown to Barcelona to talk about Boring, I subverted QI, I said that Tinder was Guess Who for the WhatsApp generation in front of hundreds of people, I did the Concept Album Talks twice, my body went into meltdown and became allergic to itself and I was afraid to fall asleep because I thought I might die, I had a biopsy, I had stitches while listening to Blondie, I fractured a bone in my foot, I drank too much, I said things I shouldn’t have said, I loved oh did I love, I cried, I played cat Top Trumps, I talked about pedestrian crossings from the DDR in a room below a pub in King’s Cross, I bought things I couldn’t afford, I missed deadlines, I didn’t answer emails, I let people down, I made people happy, I made people very unhappy, I went to the doctor, I saw Daniel Kitson up a Tree, I bought a book about tomato ketchup in order to confront my fear, I relied too much on Uber to get me home when I was drunk, I had ideas that went to waste, I was involved in Thamesmeerd, I wanted to sleep, I had anxiety attacks, I fell out of bed, I went to the shops, I bought a lot of sandwiches from Pret, I was late to work, I hurt my arm, I stopped taking sugar in my coffee, I got lost, I drank champagne, I was on the Today programme, I missed my dad, I lost my appetite, I jumped up and down, I did the laundry, I watched The Bridge, I saw FFS, I came home to find my flat mate had left the front door wide open, I felt guilty about eating meat, I sold my camera, I called 999 when I saw a man get knocked over by his own car, I was broken, I ate some chips, I drank some tea, I laughed a lot, I went to the seaside, I considered impaling my eye on a sharp metal spike, I bought an external battery pack so I didn’t have to worry about my phone dying, I stayed in a Travelodge, I listened to lots of podcasts, I failed to finish a book proposal, I fell asleep on several night buses. I regret none of it. 

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